Random Thoughts for 2024 Party!

Ronnie Wood, Mick Jagger and Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones plan big concert in DC.

Donald J. Trump goes in front of the nation to announce that he will not run for President of the United States. "I've been there, done that," he says. "I'm going to open a new hamburger chain to put McDonald's out of business. The T-burger will be the most incredible cheeseburger ever made. And my new line of soft drinks with XTRA SHUGA will be a killer! I can do this from here in prison."

Vladimir Putin calls off his invasion of Ukraine. "These people are our neighbors, not our enemies. We in Russia are losing too many young men and women. I'm already the most famous Russian leader of all time. I'm going to chill and enjoy my grandchildren."

Kim Jong Un decides to make peace with South Korea. "All these rockets we've been blasting off is getting old. I mean, I know I'm cool and everything. I don't need to prove it anymore. I'm thinking of opening an amusement park here N. Korea, employ my people. It will be bigger and better than Disneyland!"

Benjamin Netanyahu makes the shocking, strategic decision to work toward a two-state solution for Israel and Palestine. "I realize that killing Palestinians only exacerbates our socio-political conundrum. It's been going on far too long without a reasonable solution. I'm going to make it right for everyone and earn respect for our people."

Xi Jinping shocks China and the rest of the world with the words, "Let Taiwan be Taiwan. We can be independent comrade nations and still work together in mutual respect. I will also call off all overlording of Hong Kong. This will help our economy in many ways. I've been revisiting ancient Chinese wisdom from guys like Lao Tsu and Confucious. They were actually very smart."

Elon Musk puts out a message on X, formerly Twitter, that he will go into hiding for 2024, not say a single word for the entire year. He further directs Tesla to give its underpaid autoworkers a substantial cost-of-living raise, plus a New Year's bonus. "Hey, I can be a nice guy when I'm not acting like a dorky nerd."

Ali Kahmenei steps down from his pulpit as Supreme Leader of Iran. "It was getting redundant having so much power when my people are so unhappy. I need a new tact, or track, or something. Maybe even throw a big party and let women expose their heads. Do you know any good bands?"

Rupert Murdoch announces that his son James will run all operations of his media empire, including Fox News and the Wall Street Journal. "I've made billions, although that $787 million fine for defaming Dominion Voting Machines hurt. James is not particularly political and will run a more even-handed operation, the little bastard."

Mick Jagger, 81, makes a not-unexpected claim regarding aging, that the 80s are the new 40s. "Keith turns 80 this year and we plan to dance the year away like horny teenagers. Rock around the clock, dude. The Stones will live forever and continue to play in major arenas around the world, including Iran."

A meeting of nations of the world is called to seriously reduce green house gases around Earth. To ensure an immediate start, Greta Thunberg is named chairwoman of the international group of top scientists and activists. "I am extremely pleased with this concept," says the 21-year-old. "Now get to work!"

Inflation goes down below 2-percent. The stock market soars. The number of homeless on the streets goes way down. Congress agrees on an innovative immigration policy whereby citizens are given a sizable tax break if they house an immigrant family.

Joe Biden wins the National Election for President of the United States. Surprisingly spry during the final months before the election, Biden claims he's never felt better or stronger. When asked about the seemingly miraculous turnaround of his gait and verbal expression, he replies: "You'll have to ask Mick. When he played DC last summer, we had a little chat backstage. I told him, I'll give it a go.”