Beer Conspiracy Brews Controversy

Kauai sunrise the color of lager beer

So word is out, and has been out, that Covid-19 is a plot. There is not a virus. Corona has been a convenient excuse, a ruse, by Budweiser to shut down competition, a devious marketing plan.

"Mexican Corona beer was becoming a threat to Budweiser's dominant market," according to Bill Gates.

Generally regarded as a computer software genius, Gates was hired by the high-powered marketing firm -- Stinson, Stampson, Fauci and Murdoch (SSF&M) -- to help create an international buzz.

"We wanted to bring Americans back to Budweiser, which had become Mexico's favorite beer while Corona was beginning to dominate the Western United States," Gates told a few of his beer buddies, according to an expert source in these matters.

The plot was hatched in a vacant warehouse in Bolinas, California, a hop, step and barrel from Stinson Beach.

A cabal of conservative sleuths were able to connect the dots between one of the marketing firm principals and the beach enclave -- Stinson to Stinson. Their discovery was picked up by a wide swath of conspiracy theorists already drunk on weird and nefarious plots.

One theory predicates Gates plotting to implant a small chip with a Budweiser jingle into the over-21 population of the entire world.

"The jingle has been translated into more than 1,000 FOREIGN languages!" Rush Limbaugh reportedly told his mindless followers. "Obama is a major stock holder of Budweiser," he emphasized.

Anti-vac folks have longed theorized vaccines to be a conspiracy by Big Pharma to make millions of dollars, in conjunction with a government effort to string 5G electronic connectors throughout the world to spy on people.

This theory has found a lot of traction among anti-science types who support a herd immunity theory that UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson championed, before he came down with the beer virus.

An SSF&M whistleblower blew that theory out of the keg when he went on record saying that three pints of Budweiser will cure any patient who has contracted Corona.

Government officials are now asking people to wear Budweiser masks.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, whose cousin Sam Fauci is coincidentally a partner in the marketing firm, has stated that the Budweiser masks are a ploy and any kind of mask -- including a Halloween mask -- is fine.

A small village in Northern Italy has shown vast improvement after changing their drinking water to Budweiser beer. Villagers have seen singing and dancing, sometimes in the nude after dark, since their curfew was lifted.

The plot was still brewing in my head when I woke up this morning. I turned on the local Hawaiian news to find out that weather guru Guy Hagi had baked chocolate bread pudding for the TV crew. I heard belly laughter coming from the television set, but no mention of the Budweiser conspiracy.

I realized it was only a nightmare.